Off-Air: Episode 1

I just had a conversation with a dear friend of mine. She called to talk about the episode 40AF released yesterday on polyamory. She was honest and told me that it could have been more impactful. She was very thoughtful in her approach, but she basically said that this show left a lot on the table. Ouch. That is not what I was hoping to hear, but she was right. The interviewee and the topic deserved more depth, more research, more vulnerability. I directed it to stay on the surface. Thankfully, my friend also allowed me the space and support to introspect. Why wasn’t I able to be vulnerable?

I realized this: I didn’t dig deep with this episode because I am not comfortable with my sexuality. I am not comfortable with my body. Not to say that I don’t know who I am or I hate how I look, but I don’t know how to be free in these ways.

It reminded me of another 40AF episode as well, “Barbie That Bitch.” Because I am not comfortable with own body (still, fucking still!) I couldn’t really talk about it. I was afraid of letting anyone see that side of me because of what they might think.

This fear has kept me from opening up and being who I am. Where does that fear come from? Fear of failure doesn’t fit. I have already succeeded because people have told me certain episodes have changed their lives. Fear of rejection, however, is on target. I have never felt like I fit in and I was still trying to. I’ve been overwhelmed for awhile with outside noise seeping through the cracks.

I really feel that we all need to own our lives, but the truth is, being 40 As Fuck isn’t a constant state. It is okay to ebb and flow as long as you continue to move forward.

If you have listened to 40AF, you know Marie, Nathan and I talk a lot about surrounding yourself with your tribe. This is why I was able to listen to my friend’s honesty and not take it as criticism, but as love. Her honesty pushed me to grow.

I am fortunate to have people like this in my life. Those that believe in me even when I don’t feel good enough for their support. Those that love me when I can’t remember who I am. I am eternally grateful.

On behalf of the 40AF team, we thank you for your continued support. We are looking forward to growing with you.

~Courtney

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